The Fear of Loss

I have been told that I don't know how to live in the moment because I am always making plans for the next moment. I like to argue that I am good at living in the moment, except when I am planning for what comes next. What is the difference? I don't know... Do you live with your cup half empty or half full? Same thing, right?

Well, I'm learning that I am somewhat wrong. I still stand by the fact that I live in the moment, afterall, I will stop to appreciate the snowfall, stars in the sky, the most recent household accomplishment, but that is between planning away my life.

When you have MS, there is this underlying knowledge that you may someday be disabled, thus a fear may develop. Is it rational? Some may argue that it isn't rational, afterall, I can walk out the door on any given morning and get struck by a bus, or fall and break my back, thus resulting in the exact same affliction of MS, potential paralysis. The difference between these circumstances is that when you have MS, you have a ton of time to ponder the life of being disabled, or the loss of memory, or the loss of some other bodily function. When you have a tragic event that happens in an instant, you don't even know it is coming and then are faced with coping after the tragic experience.

Wow, just stating that makes me realize that knowing you have MS, and living with it daily, really is simply a gift. It provides the opportunity to cope with some of the emotions, prior to the potential event. Again, glass half full, here!

And I digress. The reality is, it is extremely hard to live in this moment, when you know there is a potential of loss. Take that relationship you may have experience, that you really want to be secure in, but you aren't, so you are always afraid it is going to go away. Have you experienced that phenomenon? I certainly have, but have come to realize that the people I keep around now, are trustworthy, otherwise they wouldn't be around. But if you have experienced that, you may have found yourself constantly internalizing what you might do if you lost that person. Again, MS is exactly the same. Pondering the what ifs, rather than appreciating the right nows.

The fear of loss is a profound obstacle to deal with. I don't know whether I have to deal with the fear of loss because I have lost something significant in my life? Or simply because I love what I have in the present and I can't fathom my life changing?

I need to give MS, technology and medicine a change!!! Because regardless of all that I say in this post, I do know the moment you quit fearing loss, whether it is the loss of a person, thing, ability, skill, you open yourself up to the possibility of appreciating the moment that is right in front of you. This is something I struggle with daily BUT I will never never give up!!!

Keep Trecking

Ever hear the quote, "A body in motion, stays in motion?" I live by that these days. My friend Sue and I were running on Sunday, while we were running, we were having a conversation about my gait, and how it changes step by step through a run. My first step may be strong with both legs fully engaged, and my final step, my left leg can be fully disengaged and dragging behind me. I have come to accept that my body is the perfect specimen for Newton's Law of Motion.

One of the things I am learning from reading various threads in on-line MS support groups is that people who have stayed active over the years after being diagnosed with MS, are still active. Their activities may have changed, and in some cases change day to day, but ultimately, they are able to maintain some semblance of activity. I am now convinced that I need to keep this body of mine in motion.

Here is where Newton's Law really comes into play for me. Although Newton's law states that an object will remain in motion at a constant velocity, it also states that an external force can change that motion. MS is that external force that impacts my motion. Yes, I realize that my Myelin (or lack there of) is physically internal, but it is not something that I have control of.   In my conversation with my friend on Sunday, I told her that rather than stop running, because of the physical challenges I experience from MS, I need to continue running so that my left side doesn't atrophy, and figure out a way to strengthen my body to accommodate the loss of movement. Will that be physical therapy? planks? using my arms more? I honestly don't know. But it is all a learning process.

Pre MS, I considered myself an athlete. Everyone gets to define the term athlete, and according to my definition I qualified. As anyone with a chronic disease knows, after your diagnosis you are faced with redefining yourself, right or wrong. The honest truth is that, after diagnosis you truly are the same person, right? I think I am, but accepting that is a struggle for any human being, I think...

While I have my own little internal struggle over the new trajectory of my life, I can tell you that the best thing I can do for myself, is keep doing. I read so often that people with MS simply give up. I will admit, my house cleaning and laundry skills have taken a hit over the last year, and I am 100% content blaming it on MS, but the reality is, if I keep doing what I love, I will be able to better adapt what I love to conform to my life's daily changes. MS has also taught me a lot about who I love, what I love and what I love doing... More about that another day!

So, tonight I will do a pile of laundry and maybe do my dishes, because it needs to be done. However,  I will hang some doors at my friends house this weekend, because I love household projects!!!

Basically what I am getting at is that we all have control over our movement forward in life, and I'm not only talking about our physical movement. Sure we may have physical barriers, but that is when we adapt, learn the new process and move on. In the words of my FAVORITE sister in law... I simply will 'Keep Trecking'.

One of my favorite pictures of me and my sister-in-law!

Lessons from the Kids

The Tree House!

I spent the week at my sister's house, and pre-dinner they either say a prayer, say itadakimasu or do gratefuls. I particularly enjoyed the gratefuls because I got to hear about the things that really interest my niece and nephews, it also gave me the opportunity to let them know how much I enjoyed my time with them.

It was an interesting week because two of the kiddos learned that I have Multiple Sclerosis, and the other one learned that I take a shot every day. My oldest nephew asked a couple of questions, but didn't really show much interest, and my other nephew asked a bunch of questions and then moved on with the activity for the day. My niece was really only interested because she saw the pile of pills and the shot I take every day laying around the house, without any regard, on my part, to hide it. You see, they are all old enough to know they shouldn't touch pills, and so I could leave them around and talk about them from time to time.

So why is this all significant? Well, my biggest fear in sharing that I have MS with people, is that they will see me differently, see me as disabled or something. I'm lucky right now and have no major physical issues (except after exercise) and so it is frustrating when others put limits on my abilities, rather than me putting limits on myself, based on how I know my body. The beauty of these kids? Well, they are all very smart and may have done their own research by now, on what MS really is, but none of them really cared or blinked an eye at all. As a matter of fact, they instead 'ordered' me into the tree-house which is at least 8 feet off the ground on one side, and then put me on another ladder once in the tree house (another 4 feet at least) to install the roof.

These kiddos taught me a lot! Truly not hard to believe, because they are three of the five most brilliant kids I know, but they reminded me that I should not put limitations on myself unless there is a real barrier. Two inspirations for me are the dudes who wrote Run the Edge, and they say, why put off tomorrow, what you can do today? Anyway, for those of you who happened upon this page because of MS, you may not know I am an athlete, and this summer I have struggled a bit. I haven't struggled getting in the miles on the bike, but miles on my feet? A whole different story. But by reflecting on the kiddos not caring, I had to take myself back about 10 steps and take some limitations off of myself. I have been planning to run another half marathon next spring but was going to hold off on registration but today I said forget that, and took the plunge and registered.

Basically, what I am getting at here is this: We set our limitations. I do believe there are real instances in which we have to say the dreaded word can't for VERY real reasons, but until that happens, we all need to move forward.

Looking forward to another one of these pics soon!!!

Up Next: Keep Trekkin (inspired by my sister-in-law, but that is for next week)